y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
