You're my little dorito
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
