Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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