From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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