I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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