why didn't you poke me back
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
