plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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