I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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