so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
