The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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