Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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