alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
