3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
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He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
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i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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