I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We're too hungover to prance.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
