So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
