i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
