YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
