you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
my poor anus
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
