Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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