No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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