At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
