my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
