John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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