Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
