Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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