her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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