My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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