im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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