this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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