I can tuck mytits in my pants
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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