i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
