Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
