When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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