I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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