Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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