I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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