The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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