He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
