I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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