Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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