he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
