apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
