i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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