My cat gives me a boner
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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