I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My ATM looks so different sober.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
