Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
