thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
