My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
