I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
