omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
