last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
