I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I supernannyed him into submission
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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