you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
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i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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