So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
