my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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